Ideal match.com scenario

Everyday they send you a list of five people you may be interested in and you can click yes, no, or maybe "interested". If you click yes, match.com sends the person an email telling them that the other person is interested.

This is what I want to happen:

Click "yes" on one of the five ladies. She sees email, checks out my profile, sends me an email. I respond and we begin to chat. Eventually I ask her out for coffee and we go. The coffee date goes so well that we go back to my place for another drink. We talk and begin to make out some. Then we move on to some light anal sex. I ask her if she wants to get something to eat. We got get some fried chicken. I tell her that I would like to see her again. She agrees.

This is what actually happens:

You suspect that the girls on match.com actually want to meet men so you aren't shy about emailing them. Most girls list as their whole profile "I like to hang out with friends. I am a student. I want someone who will challenge me" and that is all they say. You email them asking what they study and what things they like to do. They never respond.

Next week, I will tell you about the 19 year old mystic girl I have been talking to on there.

Mrunk

I am crazy drunk off of meat right now. I am starting to yell trib. I haven't had any beer. I have a stomach ache and a head ache and I want to fight something. This is what being mrunk is.

Sammy Sosa sells home to Vin Diesel

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/baseball/mlb/11/26/sosa.lawsuit.ap/index.html

A very interesting article about the Cubs and Joe Mauer

Mauer has Power

What will the future say...

I am still pissed aboot this

with this quote from mlb.com from lincecum

"Both the guys I was going up against had tremendous seasons," Lincecum said, while reiterating an earlier statement that Carpenter was the most deserving winner. "He just had a stellar year with amazing numbers. It says a lot for him to keep pushing and come back out with both guns firing."

The only thing linccecum lead is was strike outs. Carp lead in era, runners allowed on base per inning, and win percent. Wainright dominated in wins and was not far behind in K's and era.

I wanted Wainright to win it, but I really thought Carpenter was going to and I am upset it was neither of them.

I just remembered this, and had to share it

The band is not this queer bate though. They are called Walter and Hayes Band i think.

Back to IL

I got a place in Arlington Heights. Driving home Friday, moving in on Sunday. Can't wait.

holy shit

Bands/Staying Hip

I am trying to put together a list of bands that I would be into if I was in high school that have come out since I graduated high school. I need your help. So far I have this:

1. Shinedown
2. Cage The Elephant
3. Wolfmother
4. Flobots

Jim Hendry needs to be replaced by a Statistician with a Physics degree

http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/john-grabow-gets-paid/

How badly is he hemorrhaging money? We do have quality people, but we have spent too much money on them.

College Gameday

Arizona vs. Oregon

Kickoff at 8pm EST, Saturday November 21

Coverage starts at 8am MST I think.

ABC

Words can not describe this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egcXvqiho4w&fmt=18

Evolution seen in action

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/11/speciation-in-action/?npu=1&mbid=yhp

Deli Themed Karoake

I always thought it would be the funniest thing to karoake this song.

Sugar Ray

I am sure that you guys are all familiar with Sugar Ray's Floored album.

I told David Jones and some other Jewel-Osco workers that I saw Sugar Ray live. They preceeded to make fun of me and sing and dance Backstreet's Bye-Bye.

I wouldn't have cared if all Sugar Ray played was there awesome popular stuff, but it was more representative of their Floored album.

I just heard some Sugar Ray and this prompted this post.

Jon Lajoie(aka Taco)

The Deli

I went to scholtzky's drive through today for lunch. I was embarrassed for the female driving attendant to overhear the music I was listening to, so I turned the volume down when she opened the window to exchange money, goods, and sandwiches.

This was the song.

I turned it back up on my way home.

The League

This show is awesome (The League).

Bueno?

This is as good as I could do by myself. I have a change of outfit ready fro tonight, an I am going to have some of my friends take a few glamour shots of me.

Why BearDownIllinois has Zero Hits

Now I understand the constant ramblings about photoshoots, also, the photo is probably like 75% of what matters on your profile.

Manufacturing boner sessions

So I write tonight to discuss an emerging field of science which is known as bonergineering. It seems that most people start to manufacture their boners during hikes schools and college, but some people try to seek out their first bones later in life; it seems that for these people match.com is a place that can satisfy these desires. I have officially joined match.com.

Let me tell how you can fuck up your match.com situation before you ever start; it seems that women are retarded. I am a simple man and I put forward this in my outlook for new lovers. I am looking for an average looking white/latina (latino is the new white) 21-26 year old woman who has some amazing things to say about herself. I attest that a single line of my profile is better and more revealing than an entire profile written by one of these normal retards. Anywho, I would like to meet a girl who has a college degree or is finishing one and preferably one who likes real comedy and alcohol and sex, but that would be an ideal woman. It is interesting to me that I am looking for a persona that could be satisfied by a number of women, but none of them are biting. You can also do a "reverse" search which will show you all the women who are looking for people who satisfy the criteria that they want in a mate. Here are some numbers; when I search for women based on my criteria of basically any woman who is 21-26 and has no kids I get 9 pages of hits, but when I look for the type of women who are looking for a guy like me, I see nearly double as many women. Where is the breakdown?

It seems that the modern woman is lying to herself. In a brutally honest world, the Saw is even more honest and yet these women don't seem to be. They must be willing to compromise in some way, although I think choosing me to bone them is not a compromise, but rather a huge boon to their self esteem. I wonder what they are looking for? I did a search for the guys on match.com and I saw something immediately that I did not expect; all of the guys are skydivers. The first several dude I saw all had pictures of them skydiving. These guys didn't have anything to offer other than their wildness, but that is what these women want (is it?). I think they want to see a guy who is out of control, but one who they could make into a nice guy. Bullshit.

So I decided that the best way to convince these hobags that I am legit is to manufacture photos of myself. Experiment: go to best buy and buy a point and shoot camera, take photos of social situations that may be premeditated, enhance bonerbility. I hope to post some new flattering pics of myself on match.com to see if I can snag some pooner. We'll see what happens.

Sawyer's Girl

13:00 Minutes

18:47 Minutes

Defending of Honor?

PS Capital_Prototype stole a lifestyle

a.k.a. friday, nachos, tube

Gayest workout device ever

The Office (Rashida Jones vs. Pam)

If the writers of The Office had any maturity or were trying to do anything but please female viewers, Jim Halpert would be with Rashida Jones and not Pam Beasly.

The reason girls think Jim and Pam have the perfect relationship is because Jim is always making sacrifices and doing stuff for Pam, and without reciprocity. Pam basically treated Jim like a floormat. For example, every time Pam gets inappropriately drunk, Jim is taking care of her and taking her home. Every time Pam is in a bad mood, Jim is cheering her up. It is all one sided. Pam never did anything for Jim except be an attractive and fun girl that he worked with and got along with. Also, take the example of when Pam jinxed Jim and wouldn't let him talk all day because the machine was out of Coca-Cola. Who would date that?

Then Jim met Rashida Jones. This chick had her stuff all figured out to begin with. She wasn't a useless secretary who had big dreams of becoming a graphic artist. She was already in sales, unlike Pam who just made it to sales and has no business being there. Then she took over as manager. When they dated Rashida Jones actually took care of Jim, did things for him. For example, when Jim got innapropriately drunk, Rashida Jones took care of him and took him home.

So, to all the women out there, Jim is not cool, he is a useless putz. Jim doesn't deserve Rashida Jones, because what he really wants in a relationship is to wait hand and foot masochistically on a woman who doesn't treat him with respect and is less hot and never acted in Stella or Freaks and Geeks. And while I'm on it, Jim never deserved this promotion. Dwight has worked his hands to the bone sacrificing for the company. He was the leading salesman for the entire company. Jim was too cool for school and to give a hoot about his job. Worse yet, Jim convinced his company to overpay in a related party transaction for a company his fiancee worked for, which is illegal. So no, the guys who work hard, Dwight, Andy, or Stan, deserve the promotion, not the dumb idiot who thinks he is too good to work for the company in the first place. (Also, they just started making Dwight too stupid. For example, he wanted to smoke out Michael with bees or something?)

Jim, you suck, and the only reason you are popular is because girls are stupid.

Thanksgiving Pizza (Genius Strikes)

Basically, what we have here is a stuffed pizza with a thanksgiving dinner theme. Therefore, the stuffing is roast turkey pieces, stuffing. The pizza is topped with gravy.

Experimentation would tell if gravy inside the pizza or cheese inside or on top would be a welcome addition.

Best Show



Spoof of Weird Al's Spoof of Coolio

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my curry
I take a look at my wife and realize she is very blurry
But that’s just life for a slumdog like me
Because I can’t afford things like prescription spectacles
And I’ve been driftin’ and griftin’ so long that
Even Ganesha thinks that mind is gone
But I ain’t never conned a man that don’t deserve it
Punk American tourists, you know its unheard of

Been spendin’ most our lives livin’ in a slumdog paradise
No shelter most our live, livin’ in a slumdog paradise

Photoshoot

I am trying to think of ways that I can manufacture photos for my match.com profile without having them look manufactured.


Here is the best example of what I want to accomplish

I will see if I can come up with something cool.

***UPDATE
I have officially joined match.com as kind of a birthday present to myself. I also "winked" at two girls on there. The "wink" is kind of like facebook's "poke", but only this time you are paying to do it and the girl is actually looking for cock.

Subway Shenanigans

I go to Subway for lunch every MWF and I see a lot of stuff that is just no bueno. Let me give you a recent example.

On Friday of last week, I am in Subway for getting my tuna sangwich and a woman comes in wearing a New York Yankees t-shirt so I am a little pissed off at this. This woman walks up to the counter and in a thick New York accent asks "do you have chicken parmigiana?". The sandwich artist replies "no" and offers suggests instead the chicken pizziola and he tells her that is has pepperoni on it. The woman is upset and doesn't know what to do. She finally says "ok, I'll have the chicken pizziola with no pepperoni and extra parmesan". The artist asks her what size sandwich she wants and she looks at him with a blank stare and finally says "the small".

How is someone this unfamiliar with Subway?

GEICO

GEICO is the worst company of all time. Consider all options before doing business with them.

Grab 39

With the recent announcement that Steven Tyler is leaving Aerosmith and Sublime "resurfacing" and being ordered to change their name, this got me thinking about band names.

Should a band be able to keep it's name even if the song writer/lead singer/whoever makes the "largest contribution" quits? It's a weird subject and i think it almost needs to be taken on a band to band situation.

In the case of Guns N' Roses, are they really Guns N' Roses anymore? Or are they something different? Just because Axel is still the lead singer doesn't necessarily mean that they are "Guns N' Roses." Slash, Izzy Stradlin, Duff McKagan, and Steven Adler had just as much to do with Guns N' Roses' "sound" as Axel did.

For Aerosmith, only Steven Tyler is leaving. And while he is a main force of Aerosmith, Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, Tom Hamilton, and Brad Whitford are important to have too. So should they be able to keep the name?

And for that matter, who cares? It's just a band name.

I disagree. When i hear a band name, i associate all kinds of things with it. Anything from the way they sound, the way i feel when i listen to the band, and what i come to expect from the band. So when i hear that Journey is releasing a new album, i think "Yeah, but Steve Perry isn't the lead singer anymore" and i'm not as excited.

Sawyer and i have even changed a bands name. With basically 1/2 of the original Catch 22 lineup leaving after their first release (including song writer Tomas Kalnoky), we didn't feel it was right to call them Catch 22 anymore. They are now Grab 39 to us and forever will be.

Let me know what you guys think. (I pointed out the difference between the two Perrys for Sawsheezles sake)

NLS

Best .gif ever.

NOT LIFE SAFE!

Tucson teaser

I finally got some batteries for my camera because I am arranging a match.com photoshoot and I thought it might be a good idea to take some pictures of Tucson in the coming weeks. I will offer a teaser of an Easterly view of 9th St. just west of Cherry Ave. here in Tucson.



This is what a somewhat poor neighborhood near the football stadium looks like.

Television (Der Fern)

The current state of tv is like whatever dude. My current drink count is a surprisingly short tres beers. I think the tv viewership demographics are very interesting. CBS's new critical darling "Accidentally on Purpose" has been receiving a robust 8+ million viewers and there are talks of it being axed. Parks and Rec recieves only 5 millions viewers and there are talks of it being axed. Hmm. In unrelated news, 30 Rock is overrated. It is not the funniest show on tv: It isn't even the best show on NBC on thursday nights. Fuck, "Community" is an order of magnitude better than 30 Rockefeller Plaza and it doesn't get the notoriety it deserves. I hereby declare "Parks and Recreation" as the outright winner of best show on tv contest. Congratulations to all of those who are privileged enough to watch it. I recommend watching Comedy Central's "Secret Girlfriend" because it is pioneering a new way to present a television series. It is groundbreaking to say the least. It is also horribly heinous and offensive. It gives this dawg boners because of the hot babes on the show. It is my birthday next friday and I will be going to a gentleman's bar to celebrate. There has been talk of going to an all nude place. This is weird to me given that I base all of my comparison to the quality of strip clubs based solely on Kappa Kabana's business model. I think what I appreciate most is how the strippers are kind of left to there own devices to "fund" themselves. This business is somewhat similar to how the professors at the Optics College here operate. Anywho, the strippers at Kappa who need to earn those extra dollars by getting completely naked can and will because it is their freedom to choose. I wish all strip clubs were this way. Here in Tucson, strippers cannot get fully naked if the place has a liquor license. What gives? No one here appreciates a free market economy basis for the strippers. They are people too with families to feed. Ok, I need to drink more beer. Also, about 5 weeks from now I will be back. I hope to be laid soon. Match.com has a 25% off sale going on and I might get in on this. I will let you know when my profile is up for public view; my handle is "beardownIllinois". Gosdspeed.

PODO

Best part of coming home from working 7 - 3 and having nothing important to do?

You don't have to wear pants for the rest of the day.

EDIT: i also just remembered i have a case of Yuengling Lager in my trunk and it's been literally chilling all day . It's gonna be a good night.

Motorloa Droid

I just got this and it is the coolest fucking thing in the world.

It reminds me of movies when in the future you wake up and there is a computer on your wall. Only this is in your pocket and it gives turn by turn directions while driving.

Seriously awesome phone.

Fat Sammiches

Fat Sammich is so goo...

After three years I am finally in a position to say that I have tasted the tasty treats presented by Fat Sammich. Fat Sammich puts many toppings in an 8" amoroso roll.

I want to make my own fat sammich at home, because I live 40 minutes from fat sammich. I want to go to Wal-Mart and purchase, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, buffalo chicken stripes, philly cheesesteak meat, onion rings, chicken cheesesteak, rolls and french fries. Stick them in a roll load it up with buffalo sauce, ketchup and mayonnaise and enjoy it.

I like fat sandwich.

quick joke

So my girlfriend broke up with me and I got my friend with herpes to sleep with her as payback.

My plan backfired cause we're back together now.

Postal Service

By now you have probably heard the catchy tune Fireflies by Owl City.

When I first heard this on the popular music radio station I asked Jess what she thought The Postal Service fans were going to do now that The Post Service was mainstream.

Now I just listened to Owl City close up and am somewhat offended by the low quality ripoff of The Postal Service.

Edit: And Owl City uses auto-tune.

Edit: I Hate Owl City (I listened to three more songs).

Butt of Joke

This dude took a lot of heat over the years, but I don't care, this song is dope. It is hipper and hoppier than popular hip-hops today (auto-tune).

Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

Undercover Brother the Sequel?

Solid

WTF Mate

so i was in borders today just wasting time until Dragon Age: Origins was delivered to GameStop and saw this


















don't know exactly how i feel about it. having read the "trilogy" way too many times to count, i don't really get how or why there is another one. oh well, i'll end up buying it this weekend with a borders coup.

if you haven't read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, you should. at least the first three.

also, i never got my copy of Dragon Age: Origins because the UPS truck was still in Philly.

Graph Jam

You internetters probably already know about this website, but I have just found a new website to procrastinate on. And I thought I would be more productive without tubes...

Now what

So you have just friend requested a girl on facebook. You met her this summer and she is a friend of a friend. Suppose you, her, and two friends (one of whom is the aforementioned "friend") hang out on one glorious summer eve in July. You go for pizza, attend an awesome Rx Bandits show at Club Congress in Tucson and then go to a strip club. You later join in to pay to see her boobs. You decide that she is cool. She is also a nurse and is independent. She has just accepted your friend request, what do you do now? You know she likes the tv shows you like so you think it is a good idea to say something provocative and timely about one of them in a status update. Let's choose fox's "Fringe". You could say something like "Fringe returns on thursday. If only you could get a degree in fringe science" hoping that she, being really into facebook, will respond and then you can strike up a conversation. This is the art of starting a conversation with someone without talking to them. This is how I try to attract girls.

First date

So I am hoping to go on a first date sometime in the fiscal year 2010 and I think it might be a good idea to share some of my thoughts on the dos and don'ts of a first date.

Food selection
1. Don't choose a buffet style restaurant. In this case, it would be all-you-can-eat sushi, but no woman wants to see a potential bang stuff his gullet with raw fish (or do they?). Stay away Sawyer no matter how badly you want sushi.

2. Don't eat mexican. You will probably get sauce all over your hands and you will want to lick your fingers clean. Stay away from this. Also, it will induce farting which is also unattractive. Sawyer: you live 60 miles north of mexico and you can't eat mexican food, only alternative: go to olive garden or famous daves.

Dress choice
1. Wear something hip. I would need to go shopping specifically for this date.

2. Make sure all of your assets are enhanced and all of your faults are muted. Perhaps a snuggie would be the best wardrobe choice?

Car care.
1. Waxed and ready to go. Check. Rims cleaned and shiny. Check.

2. Music selection. Rap music? No. Probably going to strike out here.

Discussions
1. Should excel here if she seems to be into humor.

2. Don't talk about rim, lesbians, or in general, anal excitements.

Commenting on her
1. Definitely say something positive about her looks.

2. Voice interest in her discussion topics by saying things like "wow, I never thought about (repeat what she said) like that before" or "wow, how very inciteful".



Do I have a shot? Am I datable with this mindset?