I watched this movie last night while drinking some labatt blue and I must say, it kinda sucked. The plot was basically invisible and not interesting at all. He killed a forest spirit with six shots from 'big baby'(which was bad ass), but c'mon, that thing was huge.
Also, why are trolls so afraid of canaries? Why don't they just let cats eat them, and then they can eat the cats, and we'll have a nice little food chain.
And the animation was all crappy, but on a good note, I got my sub and it gave me a couple of boners while listening to it.
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Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
ReplyDelete0/4 Stars
First, let us look at the factual errors. I can tell you from personal experience that twins do not have a link that if one gets hurt the other gets hurt, nor do they know what the other one is thinking, and when one stabs herself in the heart it does not have the same effect on the other twin. Second, when something is indestructible it mean it cannot be destroyed by anything, it does not mean it cannot be destroyed by anything but extreme heat. Which, if you recall, is what they did to the indestructible crown when Selma Blair lit her hands on fire in order to smelt the crown.
Now lets turn to some simple problems with execution. First, don't give a the leading hot chick a stupid haircut, especially one that is half a boys haircut.
This is Selma Blair with a normal haircut, that is, instant boner.
This is Selma Blair with half of a boys haircut, which only confuses and saddens the penis (not the best picture, but notice half or her head is a boys haircut, while the other is long wtf?).
You think that would be obvious. I wouldn't even let a person set foot into Movies 101 without knowing not to take a beautifully boner arousing woman, and giving half of her head a mancut. If this haircut is accurate with the comic, I don't care, they should have followed the comic in some other regard for comic nerds. People want to see hot women, and by people I mean me (me want to see hot women).
Seriously, it was like watching an even worse version of Lord of the Rings. Why did the troll people look like Orcs. I mean they looked bad and dumb. Prince Troll from Hellboy 2, and this was one of the main characters. Awful.
That brings me to problems with the whole plot structure. I mean c'mon, really. There are wood troll people that made a pact with humans not to fight anymore and they took the woods and people took the non-woods. Bleh.
Other problems with Hellboy 2:
1. It had a talking tumor disguised as a baby. Seriously. It was fucked up.
2. It claimed that a troll lady who ate cats lived under the Brooklyn Bridge. I believe the direct logic was as follows: They found a troll, they wondered where they could find a troll, then someone said "Of course, under a bridge." And so they looked under the Brooklyn Bridge and found a troll disguised as an old lady who ate cats.
3. The old troll cat eating lady led the gang to a troll market. A market that consisted of buyers and sellings who were all trolls and therefore, it was a Troll Market. That was just stupid.
4. The screenplay was written by Guillermo del Toro
5. The movie was directed by Guillermo del Toro
6. You have to see Hellboy as a little kid. Blah.
Positives of Hellboy 2:
1. I learned that being a mist would fucking rule, because noone could hurt you or kill you and you could take over other people's/things will. Therefore, you could take over the will of a giant robot and use it to kill his friends, and when they finally killed their friend (the giant robot your now in control of), you would just sort of mist out of his body. I know, that is sweet.
2. Jeffrey Tambor. As usual, Jeffrey Tambor was entertaining.
3. The explosions sounded awesome. The rest of the audio was just above average, but I liked hearing explosions, therefore, good low frequency sound in Hellboy 2.
4. The golden army was actually activated. I give props for this because I was worried I would go the entire movie without them activating the golden army (kind of like There Will (Not) Be Blood all over again.)
The biggest problem with this movie was the overall direction. Let us hypothetically presume that I were to write a movie about a tempermental, mal-adjusted, son of the devil, extraordinary fighter, and who also happens to look awesome. I would not make a movie about his personal life and how is best friend fell in love with some Orc. I would make a great film about him fucking shit up.
Let the record show that I only wanted a movie visually pleasing and to hear high quality audio and explosions (did I mention that the explosions were awesome). I think to enjoy this movie your brain has to be complete useless mush or you have to be 4 years old. The worst part is, the fighting scenes were just boring and dumb, in fact, they reminded me of Blade 2 (Damn you Guillermo del Toro!). I mean honostly, this guy must have never been in let alone seen a fight. All it is is weirdos spinning around in circles. What a fucking retard idiot philistine.
Now, I am going to try to whip up a better movie:
Selma Blair comes in and is looking fucking hot, not to mention extremely non-pregnant, she lights herself on fire and hellboy lights his cigar off her flames. Then the opeing credits roll. Then a non orc like looking prince backstory unfolds. But instead of a lame wood elf vs. mankind story, I would have some badass asshole elves that just want to fuck shit up. So the asshole elf starts the golden army, the army marches around killing everyone, and Hellboy fights them, but it looks cool and even sounds better. And the whole time Selma Blair will look hot.
I remember this email, which is why I posted my quick thoughts on the movie.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were reviewing Labatt Blue.
ReplyDeleteIt didn't help hellboy 2 any
ReplyDelete