Monday, February 23, 2009

Baseball Panda Analogy (WIP)

The following is supposed to be an analogy between baseball and Kung Fu Panda.

The Kung Fu Panther will be played by Barry Bonds. I think he fits the bill perfectly for he was born to baseball greats and has strived his entire life to become the best baseball player of all time, to the detriment of his health, his friends and his family.


Now imagine a few years back when BB was still playing ball for the Giants. Now imagine that everyone knows BB is going to win the world series for the giants if someone doesn't stop him.

Now imagine fat little Jeremy, as a fourteen year old with stretch marks (ahem, racing stripes). He lays around all night never practicing his throwing, his batting, or his fielding. He just imagines being Albert Pujols.

Then, one day his mother sends him on a field trip with her class of students to see the Cardinals play at New Cardinal Stadium. Now Jeremy can't get to the good seats so he abandons the kids and launches some fireworks that he never gets in trouble for, instead Tony Larussa decides to make Jeremy Steinberg the starting pitcher, much to the dismay of Dave Duncan.

So Dave Duncan is being an asshole to Jeremy, but he is so excited that he takes the abuse. They start training, and finally Dave Duncan starts to believe in Steinberg. Later that year the New Cardinals make the playoffs.

In game three of the world series they put Jeremy Steinberg on the mound. The bases are loaded and its the bottom of the ninth, Giants 3 New Cardinals 2. Jeremy Steinberg then starts to believe in himself and strikes out Barry Bonds, due to his giant fat stomach which he utilizes for his pitches. Then Jeremy Steinberg wins the game with a home run, also due to the fact that he doesn't play baseball he just sat around and ate sammiches.

As it turns out learning and practicing baseball have nothing to do with being a good baseball player, you just have to happen to be a certain kind of uselessly fat and have good intentions.

Man, that would make a good movie.
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2 comments:

  1. JeremyFebruary 25, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    Let me lay some flavor on you.

    So, since I didn't go to school to work in my adopted fathers noodle shop, I have had plenty of time to dream about and pretend that I am the greatest baseball player of all time.

    Then, there is a festival as you describe above, and the greatest baseball coach I have ever seen chooses me to know the one secret to being a great baseball player. Since I'm not a snake or a bug, I can at least wield a bat, so I'm not the worse choice there is.

    Well, because of perjury, Barry Bonds is locked up in a maximum security prison for ten years, not even being allowed to move. Because of this his muscles get week and jello-e and when he breaks out by hitting baseballs at the guards, it is an incredible feat(because he can hardly move).

    Then, BB walks for a couple of days until we face off in a HR derby.

    I have been practicing for about 20 days at this point, with the greatest coach and I get the secret to baseball(DONT USE STERIODS ANYMORE. YOU WILL GET CAUGHT NOW BECAUSE THEY CHECK. THEN PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU. IT WASNT COOL BEFORE, BUT SINCE THEY DIDNT CHECK OR CARE YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT.).

    So, BB doesn't know the secret and I do and we face off in a HR derby and every time I hit the ball I scream ska-doosh....

    Two hours later.

    Neither one of us has hit a home run, after several pathetic rounds they decide to rule based off of farthest average. I win because my muscles aren't jello. BB looses cause he couldn't move for 10 years.

    I go home that night and dream about the day when I won't have to move for 10 years and people bring me food to keep me alive.

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  2. capital_prototypeFebruary 25, 2009 at 4:36 PM

    Check this out:

    Barry Bonds and Jose Conseco haves themselves a child, Barry Conseco and this child is then coached his entire life by Big Mac (Mark McGwire).

    Then this child is locked in a safe for 20 years for raping a noodle stand clerk.

    Furious you vow to avenge the rape of your adopted noodle stand father.

    Then you start walking across the continent and you discover the secret to baseball, while getting stuck in between two hotel rooms, hot ice.

    You use this secret to break Barry Conseco out of jail and then rape him.

    Then you walk home and your adopted noodle father feeds you a bowl of noodles.

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