Jokes and Jokes and Jokes and Jokes and Spaghetti

Okay, I'm bored so I'm gonna try.

Everybody remember their first car?

I do. Mine was a giant hunk of shit. A 1992 Mercury Topaz.

TOPAZ!(pause) Doesn't that sound expensive, like a fucking ruby or diamond or something? Topaz seems like it would be a good name for a luxury car. Fuck lexus. What the hell is a lexus. But a topaz, that's some nice shit.

If you don't know what the mercury topaz was trust me, calling this car valuable is the contradiction of 90's. That's right, it is the most controversial topic from january 1, 1990 to december 31, 1999. Y2k can't touch this shit. Neither can Clinton or his blow jobs.(better references needed)

The car did have some nice features though.

2 doors. I call this a feature because it didn't have power windows or locks, so having only two doors to unlock was good living.

Automatic Seat Belts. I bet most of you had to buckle your own seat belt. Not me, this car knew how to strangle you automatically. Also, when it ran down the track it played a sweat melody for you. It sounded like ggrrhhksstzkzanaknsdsgrhrzk, which I beleive is Russian for 'have a safe voyage'.

Automatic Windshield wipers. I am so glad my car had automatic windshield wipers. Can you imagine having to do that yourself? Did you know it wasn't until the 50's that cars came with the feature to automatically run windshield wipers and that windshield wipers have a wikipedia page.

Who the fuck doesn't know what windshield wipers are?
And if you don't know what they are, you probably don't know what wikipedia is either.

Like someone somewhere is sitting with their friends saying 'I hear about this new thingy on the radio box today. Magical arms that wipe the rain off of your front winder shield. I'm gonna go on my internet machine later and look them thingies up on wikipedia.'

Anyway, back to the car. I loved that car so much I gave it a nickname. 'Car'. It just fit so well and flowed a little better than grey peice of shit.

And boy was it fast. Well, not really, but it looked fast. Since we were bored and stupid we decided to put racing stripes on 'Car'. Man, you should have seen 'Car' tearin' through the streets. 'Car' would go from 0-60 in 11.45 seconds, but you would have sworn it did it in 9 seconds flat. And when I put the pedal to the medal, imaginary flames shot 4 feet out the back smoldering anything in it's path.

Everyone who saw Car ripping through a corner dreamed about it.
Men dreamed about driving it.
Women and confused young men dreamed about the day they could have sex with the owner(pause)me, on the hood while it raced in the indy 500. And in that dream they climax when Car crossed the finish line 13 laps ahead of the nearest opponent.

I dreamed about it too.

But my dreams of Car were very different from the ones I just described. My dreams were filled with horror and death as the car flipped into the ditch with no airbags while the automatic seatbelts held strongly around my neck while the only two doors were smashed so badly they couldn't be opened without the jaws of life and the windshield wipers scatched accross the windows creating sparks that jumped closer and closer to the growing puddle of gas forming near by because it was in a ditch and there is no where for the gas to go.

Needless to say I was so happy when we had to get another car 'cause my little brother turned 16. I got the new one and he inherited 'Car'.

While being the main driver of Car obviously wasn't the greatest thing in the world, it did teach me one of the most valuable lessons I have learned in life.

Racing stripes make anything look faster and they are cool, regardless of what their on.

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